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This past spring I wrote a post about the crazy stuff I found myself saying out loud. Then this week I realized that, due to the Dark, Evil Vortex of Late September, October, and November, I am running completely on empty, both patience-wise and motivation-wise, which has led to some pretty questionable content coming out of my mouth. It has also led to sentence you just read that contained far too many clauses.
Here are some things I said out loud today.
“I wish explosive
diarrhea upon you.” After a student hid underneath a table and grabbed my
ankle.
“Did someone take my
gloves on accident? Joke’s on you; they smell like dead hamsters.” They
were my running gloves. And by running I mean jogging. And by jogging I mean it
looks like I’m casually cross-country skiing but with no poles.
“Can I see a head nod
from everyone to indicate, ‘Yes, Ms. Teach, I understand that you did not
intentionally show us that advertisement?'” I was showing a YouTube video
that had to do with what I was teaching, and apparently the version I looked up
yesterday was different from today’s, which had an incredibly age-inappropriate
advertisement preceding it. Hooray.
“Please stop losing
your minds.” A good minute and a half after said advertisement was shown.
“Oh, it’s your
birthday? On the count of three, everyone creepily whisper ‘Happy birthday’ to
Melinda.” Have you ever done this with your class before? It’s way quieter
and way more hilarious than singing.
“Eliud, you’re not allowed to talk in
time out.” Keep in mind I teach 8th grade.
“You did your packet
in hot pink pen? Who do you think you are, Kim Kardashian?” I don’t know
why I chose this celebrity—I have no knowledge of her ever having written in
hot pink pen. Also, I KEEP A PENCIL CUP ON MY TABLE.
“Bye, don’t
participate in any stupid or reckless behavior.” I say this to my classes
as I dismiss them every Friday.
“I love throwing away
other people’s trash! It’s my favorite!” I think I read somewhere that
middle school teachers in particular should avoid using sarcasm with their
students. Oops.
“Whoever organized
the binders without being asked shall feast in Valhalla!” I’ve been
thinking about Vikings a lot lately.
“Because the
government.” In response to, “Miss, why do we have so many more kids in our
class this year?"
“Oh, look! You’re
tardy.” Then I laughed way harder than necessary.
“Well, could you see
that singing ‘You got a fast car’ repeatedly was upsetting him?” Just
another day of middle school conflict mediation.
"I can't." After school, out loud, alone in my classroom, upon considering and immediately rejecting the idea of changing my bulletin board.
Come on, Thanksgiving. Mama needs you.
Love,
Teach
Ms. Teach:
ReplyDeleteYou are my new favorite person. I am a student teacher in a very low-income Middle School. My master teacher has been teaching for 24 years and told me on the first day she met me that she would have retired already if they would let her. She's checked out and I'm in this alone.
Recently, I have very much enjoyed binge reading your blog. It has done wonders in making me feel like less of a lonely, bleeding-hearted crazy person. I belly laughed much too loud in the middle of my credential class at the "12 times it's been worse" post.
Keep doing you.
- Ms. Newb
I really enjoy reading your blog. First year teacher, the whole DEVOLSON thing you write about seems to be true. I felt like these past two or three weeks were going way better and then yesterday, it stunk like poo. Keep on writing. We need your humor.
ReplyDeleteMy Friday goodbye is "have fun, make smart choices" (high school) and I actually had a student tell me to get mad at her for being late, "cause if I don't then I'll think it is okay". Really!??!
ReplyDeleteBrilliant. I told my class to shout me next time they dropped their pen and I would rush over and pick it up for them. Sarcasm rocks don't worry!
ReplyDeleteamen!!
DeleteThis was awesome! Thanks so much for sharing!
ReplyDeleteHilary
Second Grade is Out of This World!
You need to use Firefox and the Adblock Plus extension. No more Youtube ads!
ReplyDeleteGoogle Chrome has an AdBlock extension as well! I haven't watched a YouTube ad in years :)
DeleteWhen my math class somehow ended up talking about fundraising (I blame DEVOLSON)...
ReplyDeleteStudent: Who do I have to write to so that the school can sell us candy before and after school?
Me: Michelle Obama.
Student: Well, what's her address?
Me: 1600 Pennsylvania Ave, Washington DC.
Student: (With wide eyes) You know her address?
Me: Yup. I know the President's, too.
Student: Wow.
I can't wait to try this in my 8th grade history classes and then wait for the reaction of the one student who gets it.
DeleteI teach middle school and your blog is so incredibly "on target". I laugh hysterically at things that others just don't get. I want to encourage you to continue using sarcasm when appropriate. Many times, its our only defense!
ReplyDeleteSarcasm is the only way I can survive my day.
DeleteAmen Amber...but with 6th graders it is the bright ones that get it and everyone else thinks you don't make any sense!
DeleteDeborah, 6th graders need smart-assery, not sarcasm... they aren't QUITE there for the real sarcasm, but the know smart-ass when they hear it. lol
DeleteI say to my ms students, "I can't talk and know what I'm saying at the same time. That's your job." That baffles them for awhile.
ReplyDeleteOn my next student birthday I'm going to have them creepily whisper. What a fantastic idea!
ReplyDelete*Read this in a creepy whisper* Thanks, Teach.
ReplyDeleteOh dear! I too teach 8th graders and I actually started speaking in Galeic (too many Outlander episodes) this past riday just to get their attention! OYE! mama needs s Holiday!
ReplyDeleteI whisper... or I look up at the ceiling and repeat "I don't look good in orange" 3 or 4 times...
DeleteBahahaha!
DeleteMy usual Friday sign off is "Be safe, make good choices!" Kids usual sign off: "we won't."
ReplyDelete6 more days!
You are my soul sister. That is all I have to say about that.
ReplyDeleteYou are my soul sister. I laughed maniacally at this. Still laughing.
ReplyDeleteThis may help with blocking ads, suggested videos AND comments on YouTube.
ReplyDeletehttp://quietube6.com/
As a PTO mom, I use it a ton.
I am in my first year of teaching primary (8yr olds) in the UK and I obsessively read your blog - it gets me through my bad days! Keep it up sista.
ReplyDeleteGod bless you! There isn't enough money on the face of the earth for me to go that low... 11-years is about my limit...
DeleteFridays, I say, "See you Monday, have a lovely weekend, push in your chairs!"
ReplyDeleteI just found your blog and was reading this post as my students did some close reading and they all wanted to know what I was laughing at. I think they were interested cause DEVOLSON and cause....they don't want to do the work but I chose to read them some of them. Loved it! They said I need to start one of these cause I say the dumbest stuff all the time. 8th graders, such sweethearts! Anyways just wanted to say I love your blog and I sign off on Fridays with "Don't do anything TOO illegal" because saying don't do ANYTHING illegal is expecting too much.
ReplyDeleteLove the creepy whisper and will definitely use it! My goodbye is "Bye! Have a great weekend!", and when they don't respond I yell "Thank you, you too Mrs. Smith!!"
ReplyDeleteThe "You've Got a Fast Car" one is so classically middle school - I laughed out loud at that one everytime I thought of it for the rest of the day!
ReplyDeleteMy 'derp' statement this week: Keep your hands off yourselves! (combining 'off others' and 'to yourselves') So, I started seeing arms stretching out. When I saw this, I was puzzled. Then it hit me. "I said to keep your hands off yourselves, didn't I? Well, you know what I meant."
ReplyDeleteAnd I, too, teach middle school....6, 7, and 8 :))
DeleteHilarious! I've said the same thing ! I, too, teach 6, 7 and 8 and 8th grade drives me over the edge of sanity some days !
DeleteI actually started singing the theme from Mister Rogers Neighborhood to my 7th graders today, as I was feeling especially giddy about some great news. Of course, I then had to bring up a video to show them where my strange choice of songs came from. One other day I had a 6th grader with hiccups and I walked up behind her and screamed. The whole class jumped and then laughed. And the hiccups were gone. The kids still talk about the way I cured her of her hiccups. They think I am a genius!
ReplyDeleteHere's what I told my principal today, "welcome to the fuck you club!" This was after she told me one of my six year olds told her fu today. He told me the same thing yesterday! :-) Yesterday was one of my best days ever!
ReplyDeleteThis is spot on. I teach high school and told a student who just had to have the last word that, "I wish I knew everything too."
ReplyDeleteSafe share is super easy to use...no downloads...just paste the video web address (youtube) and it removes all ads
ReplyDeleteThat is fantastic! I teach 7th and 8th also. Phrases I had never thought I'd say that I have uttered in the last month: "Your binder is not a chew toy." "Your back belongs on the back of the chair, not the bottom of it." "Please do not shove a sucker stick sideways into your mouth. I don't want to reach in and pull it out when you choke on it." It's always a joy to deal with middle schoolers. :-)
ReplyDeleteFirst year teacher here (urban high school science). Thank you for writing--I really, really needed the encouragement that I will get better at this and that it won't always seem as daunting.
ReplyDeleteThank you for finally naming this quarter of the year!!! For me, it's the Dark, Evil Vortex of a Long September, October, and November! Always happy when this period is past!
ReplyDeleteThanks for all that you share!
I say on Fridays, "Don't get arrested, I'm out of bail money!" I too teach 8th graders.
ReplyDeleteI'm still in college, but I want to teach middle school English so I am shadowing an English teacher at a local middle school. The school is on the same campus as the high school, and when two middle school boys got into a fight yesterday, one of the high school teachers was nearby and tried to break it up and separate the two. He wasn't doing a spectacular job, and an eighth-grade girl whispered "This is why you don't send a high school teacher to do a middle school teacher's job," to me. I laughed for a long time :)
ReplyDeleteI teach high school. Before Spring Break, I send them off with "Don't call me for bail money." When they get hysterical over something it's "Stop setting your hair on fire!"
ReplyDeleteviewpure.com
ReplyDeleteYou simply type in the video's youtube address, then voila - no ads!!! I teach 7th grade, and you make me giggle. Thanks :)
"Fast Car." The late 80's edition of Rebecca Black's "Friday," which isn't a real song and is also used by middle-schoolers as a weapon of sanity destruction.
ReplyDelete- A Music Teacher
I always tell my 8th grade computer class "Don't talk to weirdos on the internet."
ReplyDeleteGood, good stuff . . . You make me laugh . . . This from a fifth grade science teacher in the Florida panhandle. Which is way to close to L.A. For my comfort . . .
ReplyDeleteThanks so much for your blog. It makes me feel better to know that there are others out there like me. I wanted to mention a lifesaver that I frequently use in my classroom. If you copy your link from Youtube and paste it into Viewpure.com, it will show without the ads and sidebars that may contain questionable content. It is never good to have students asking about what is on those sidebars...
ReplyDeleteMy poor baby just slept through my multiple laughing fits (she is asleep on my chest), at the post and comments.
ReplyDeleteVery late to the party, but today I told one of my girls I was going to paint her tennis shoes her least favorite color. I have no idea why I said this.
ReplyDeleteToday instead of "Empty your cubbies into your backpacks, " I said "Empty your backpack into your cubbies. " It's a tiny difference to us but a twenty minute setback when dealing with five year olds at dismissal time.
ReplyDeleteToday instead of "Empty your cubbies into your backpacks, " I said "Empty your backpack into your cubbies. " It's a tiny difference to us but a twenty minute setback when dealing with five year olds at dismissal time.
ReplyDelete"If I hear that mosquito ringtone ONE MORE TIME I will STAB THINGS!"
ReplyDeleteIn the hallway.
Possibly loud enough for someone in Central Office to hear.
Some things translate universally. 18 years in a Yup'ik Eskimo village and I've started to join in the madness. Bought them the cheaper version of Goldfish (duck shaped) for a snack. They started out as "Gold ducks," but soon became "Duckfish," then "Cheeducks" (perilously close to the local word for diarrhea), and are now known as "Duckcheese" (sounds like you're saying "things from my butt" in Yup'ik).
ReplyDeleteThis is priceless.
DeleteHa! "Bye, don’t participate in any stupid or reckless behavior."
ReplyDeleteMy version is "Have a good day, make good choices, say not to drugs."
I teach 6th grade. This is basically my life. :)
ReplyDeleteLove this! 1. Sarcasm is VITAL! And 2. In my first year teaching, I was really cool and used all that new Internet stuff... With my entire freshman Government class watching my rigged up TV, I typed... www.whitehouse. C O M. DON'T DO IT! I learned quickly to open all websites BEFORE class so I could make sure I was teaching Social Studies instead of SOCIAL studies!
ReplyDeleteOn October 30th I broke up an argument about trick or treating. REALLY?????? Yes, I teach 6th grade for 25 years now. Bless my heart!
ReplyDeleteThings I heard today:
ReplyDelete'Miss, what would win out of a fight between a lion and a leopard? Aren't they the same animal?'
'Why are their pens in the roof?'
[talking about animal phyla in Science] 'Yeah there's birds, reptiles, mammals, fish, and... kardashians?'
[me] 'Everyone, calm your farms. this is real life, not snapchat!'
Mel
Year 7 - 9 Science Teacher
Australia :)
I once told a group of loud girls on their way to yearbook pictures that if they can't be quiet I will "mess up their hair"! It worked.
ReplyDeleteI teach high school Spanish... today I had to say "Please do not put that dictionary down your pants". It was a rough day.
ReplyDeleteI have to ask my Spanish students not to throw their breakfast. Every day.
DeleteToday my kids asked me "why are there paper beavers pinned to the ceiling?", my answer "Because Canada"
ReplyDeleteI told students at the beginning of the year that writing in blood was fine-just don't come to class unprepared. I teach biology-I have lancets available.
ReplyDeleteI teach high school and on Fridays I say " bye, have a nice weekend, make good choices and no new charges". Sometimes I add. " and this weekend shower with soap!" What ad version do teens have against showering?
ReplyDeleteHa- I have always said on Fridays "Don't do anything dangerous!" just to see if they're listening- & they are cause they smile. Once in awhile they tell me not to, also. Grades 10-12- Gotta love them (little kids in big bodies?)
ReplyDeleteHa- I have always said on Fridays "Don't do anything dangerous!" just to see if they're listening- & they are cause they smile. Once in awhile they tell me not to, also. Grades 10-12- Gotta love them (little kids in big bodies?)
ReplyDeleteI teach 8th science. My usual dismissal is simply a dry "Go away", accompanied by a wink or smile. By the end of September my kids ask at the end of class "Can we go away?".
ReplyDeleteOne of my favorite responses is "If you'll remember that I'm cruel and heartless, it will answer many of your questions."
They know I love them... I think...maybe...
I tell my kids, "I love you - go away. I love you - get out." If I forget, they always say, "You didn't say it!". At first they thought it was a little mean, but then they realized that I do love them but they need to go home!! (I teach 3rd, 4th, and 5th grade gifted.)
DeleteDon't make me eat you alive and spit out the bones..... They stop for a minute and think about it, but get it.
ReplyDeleteOne year I was in a room that had a bunch of red ink spatters on the ceiling tiles. Early in the year a student asked, "Why are there red spots on the ceiling?" Without missing a beat and with a completely flat affect, I replied, "That's where I keep the bodies of disobedient students." Didn't have as many discipline issues that year. Hmmm.
ReplyDeleteI teach high school seniors, and I have a very light-hearted rapport with one of my classes. Despite this (or because of it), they at times drive me insane with their chattiness and relentless questions. One day, as I was cueing up the projector, it switched sources and projected an eerie blue screen. One student yelled, "Hey Mrs! This is creepy! Are you sure you're not showing us a horror movie?" To which I responded, "Oh, I am. But it's not a movie. And I'm going to murder you all if you don't stop talking." Thank god for that light-hearted rapport....
ReplyDeleteThis is awesome! I am so following this blog. I just happened upon it this morning and I teach 6 & 7 science. I swear I have the exact same thoughts! I laughed so hard reading this...thank you so much for putting this out there and creating a place for comradery!
ReplyDeleteI'm way late to this party, but I found this on Pinterest and had to add mine. The day before Christmas break, I actually said, "Please stop flossing with her hair." So glad for break!
ReplyDeleteI have found my people. (I just creepily whispered "thank you") California 8th grade English/US History teacher...
ReplyDeleteNever in my 20 years of teaching 6th grade Earth Science would I have thought I would ever say, " hold still while I try and remove this fish hook from your zipper!", but I sure did.
ReplyDeleteI teach in the special ed teacher credential program at a university....is there really a difference between grad school and 8th grade? These made me totally crack up....will be using these for sure!
ReplyDeleteHa I teach 8th grade science and I relate to these - going to use the Happy Birthday whisper idea. Also students will say "What happens if I don't do my homework?" To which I reply, "the world will explode". I am sure I have more.
ReplyDeleteWhen I have to step out of the room, I say, "There will be no smoking." I teach high school.
ReplyDeleteWhen I had to leave the room to get extra copies, "Don't kill each other while I'm gone." As I was coming back I heard "she's coming, she's coming". When I opened the door, all my students were playing dead, on the floor, on desks, etc. I just about died laughing.
ReplyDeleteWhen I had to leave the room to get extra copies, "Don't kill each other while I'm gone." As I was coming back I heard "she's coming, she's coming". When I opened the door, all my students were playing dead, on the floor, on desks, etc. I just about died laughing.
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