5 Dinners You Can Make During Testing Season That Aren't Good for You But Are Probably Better Than Fast Food (Maybe) and Don't Involve Chopping

Sunday, March 8, 2015

Man, I am really on fire with these self-explanatory post titles!

Listen. I would love to be one of those people who teaches all day, works on creative writing for my MFA program in the evenings, and then makes myself some kind of amazing, healthy caveman-diet homemade dinner to top it all off. But the reality is, once my day is done, I WANT TO EAT EVERYTHING AND I DON’T WANT IT TO TAKE ANY TIME AT ALL.

I mean, unless I happen to have a lot of energy that day, I don’t even want to chop anything. Did you hear me? NOTHING.

I would also like to make it clear that I am a spokeswoman for zero of the foods here. In fact, I think if they knew I was featuring their products they would say, “Oh, actually Ms. Teach, we prefer to be endorsed by individuals who are sane. But we appreciate the sentiment.”

Moving on.

Here are five dinners I've eaten lately that I'm only admitting to because the vast majority of you don't know who I am.

1. Trader Joe’s Frozen Macaroni and Cheese

This really is the best frozen macaroni and cheese. The Internet agrees with me.

Sometimes I like to take it out of the plastic and put it on a fancy china dish and pretend I made it myself, and that I’m a classy, artistic, has-her-life-together blogger like The Pioneer Woman.

And sometimes I realize the only fancy china I have is a tea set. Oops.

Yes, that is a sweatshirt on the floor of my living room. No, I'm not sorry.

2. Popcorn and Wine

Ah. Is there anything better than this combination? No, I say.

As a popcorn connoisseur, I can say with absolute certainty that the fluffiest, tastiest brand of popcorn is Pop Secret Homestyle. It pairs well with any kind of wine, because no wine is bad wine, am I right? Featured here is a rare Pinot I bought on my last trip to Napa from a vineyard irrigated by warmed, imported glacier water that has been prayed over by monks.

Hahaha, just kidding. Let’s just say I paid for it with a $5 bill. And got change back.

3. Cereal Out of a Mixing Bowl

Not responsible for words my guests spell with Scrabble magnets.

If you can eat a normal-sized bowl of cereal for dinner and not still be hungry afterward, you must either be delusional or weigh only 45 pounds.

Being a person who weighs more than 45 pounds, I bypass my cereal bowls altogether when I'm having cereal for dinner and go straight for a mixing bowl. (The smaller 2-quart size, because I’m reasonable.)

If I’m feeling like a good girl, I go with Life, Honey Nut Cheerios, or Mini Wheats.

If I’m feeling like coating the inside of my intestines with poison, it’s Chocolate Lucky Charms, and I never regret it.

4. Pop-Tarts and Microwaveable Vegetables to Make Yourself Feel Better about the Pop-Tarts

That's right.

The world of microwaveable vegetables has expanded significantly in recent years, but I stick with plain steamed broccoli to punish my upstairs neighbor, whose giant boxer does laps around her apartment every morning exactly 20 minutes before my alarm goes off, no matter what time I have it set for*.

You can’t really go wrong with the Pop-Tart flavor (I’m partial to blueberry). But whatever you do, remember this, and repeat after me:

Pop-Tarts without frosting are for people in prison.

Thank you. You are dismissed.**

5. Hummus With Seriously Almost Anything in My Fridge/Pantry

My favorite hummus. Too spicy, some say. I say NAY

Crackers, pretzels, baby carrots, cherry tomatoes, popcorn, rolled up lunch meat. Sometimes I just grab a Pepperidge Farm Pirouette and suck up the hummus through it, like a straw. HAHA. Sorry. I just grossed myself out. I don’t do that with Pirouettes. It would be disrespectful.

Well, there you have it, folks. My debut into the world of culinary blogging.

Now in the comments section give me all your recipes that take less than 5 minutes, involve no chopping, and are better for me than Pop-Tarts.



*Just kidding, I actually like her boxer. I also just like steamed broccoli. But it’s totally true that my apartment complex is so old that cooking smells and the sound of human/canine footsteps travel between units effortlessly. Also, I’m aware that my last sentence ended in a preposition, but what am I supposed to do, “For what time I have it set, there is no matter”? That just makes me sound like my body has briefly been taken over and channeled by the spirit of an 18th century English gentleman***. Grammar is dumb sometimes.

**This will be the line that sends people home when I start my own reality dating show for teachers.

***Maybe that wouldn’t be so bad, AMIRIGHT